Heartache..

Me and my sister Lindsey, Summer 2008

Death is profound. It’s like a whip across the back to bring you back to the reality of the mortal world. I have never felt the grief of someone very close to me dying. I have come close, but thankfully it hasn’t gotten past the doorstep. When my grandparents died, I was too young to really experience what it meant. I miss them now and I wish I had known them better, but I was minimally affected by their deaths at the time.

The death of K is the closest I think I have experienced. She was my friend Z's older sister. Z and I went to high school together and our group of friends spent a lot of time with their family. My older sister Lindsey was friends with K. As Lindsey said, we were mirror images of each other; I am Z and she is K… and when I think about that it just makes my heart ache even more. Today Lindsey and I wept together on the phone.. I just can’t bear the thought of losing my big sister, and I absolutely cannot imagine how Z must feel. I have absolutely no idea how painful losing a sibling, mother, father, or friend is. But I know that I will have to experience it at some point. I feel like that point is getting a little closer. Each death that I hear about is a little closer to me than the one before it, and this completely terrifies me.

Ramman says that to deal with the death of someone you have to have the realization that nobody really ever dies. Their physical body does, and that is what we are affected by.. but their spirit is simply moving on to another physical body. I do believe this to be true, but it doesn’t really make it any easier. You still have to grieve and mourn, and that seems like an incredible amount of pain. Eventually you heal, and you can move forward.. but the pain, the pain just seems like it would be unbearable.

My heart aches for their family.