My life is like the weather in Portland.

I haven't posted my workouts for a few days, here's what I've been doing..

Monday-
GB WOD:
3x5 Heavy Weighted Deck Squats
3x5 Half GHR (negatives)
3x10 Hip Circles
Stretch

Also:
3x10 GHD Situps
3x10 GHD Back Extensions
3x5 GHD Side Arches
Jog 1 mile (with clients)
30 Divebomber Pushups (with clients)

Tuesday-

5 sets of 202 stairs, 10 pushups at the top

Total Stairs= 1,010
Total Pushups= 50

Wednesday-

Inspired, once again, by CrossFit 603:

Lift 40x my body weight (145x40= 5,800 lbs) from the ground to overhead..

I decided to turn this into lifting the weight from not quite the ground to overhead :l seeing as how I have hardly done ANY Oly lifting in the last 6 months (at least)

**So- I used 75 lbs and did 77 Hang Clean /Split Jerks for a total of 5,800 lbs moved. Boy was that rough. During the first ten reps this is what was going through my head, "EFF.. I don't know if I can even do 50.." But I did all 77 of them, it took me 20:14, but I did them all.

This has been an incredibly challenging week so far. Ramman and I found out on Monday that we can no longer use our garage for our training business. The agreement we made with the landlord should not have been made because as it turns out, the whole thing is not okay with the owners of the complex, Norris & Stevens (only one of the biggest real estate/property management companies in Portland). We were under the impression that we were allowed to do this, based on what our landlord said. This is the ONLY reason we moved to these apartments, and now it has to be shut down. We aren't even sure if they are okay with us using it for ourselves, and if we can't even do that, we definitely want OUT. We've written a letter to Norris & Stevens (currently being proofread by one of my clients) to request to be let out of our lease because of the false pretense which we were operating under. Hopefully they will grant this to us along with permission for personal use of our garage until we move. This week has just been a nightmare. However, I do not regret taking part in this endeavor. I can just hear my mother saying that she "told me so!" or she "knew it!" and that it's "all Ramman's fault!" (this is the other stressful thing happening in my life at the moment)- but in no way is it his, or my, fault. We invested our time, energy, and money into this project together. We went into this together and we are sticking together through it.. And whatever we do next will most likely be together, if not in support of one another. All I can do is hope that the big guys at Norris & Stevens agree to grant us what we are asking for. After all, to them it's nothing, but to us it's huge.

The next plan? Well... I don't know. I am struggling with figuring out exactly what I want to do with myself. I know what kind of life I want to ultimately have; a simple one. I want to travel. I want to train. I want to have a fulfilling job. I want to learn other languages. I want to experience love without any outside pressures from family. But I do not want any one of these things to be my identity. I want to be secure and stable. I want to be comfortable. But I do not want to be just another cog in the wheel of American society. I want to be FREE. How do I acheive all of these things? My mom would say to marry someone who can provide them all for me, I wouldn't have to do anything. But that is not what I want. I want to create my own reality. I want to create it together with Ramman. I can see clearly what I want, but what is unclear is how to get there, the most important part, right? The journey... I don't know what my journey is.. my path. I feel a little lost. I feel like being a trainer is over for me. I'm ready to move on, to focus on something new. I know I am a good trainer, and I have succeeded at this.. But I cannot picture myself doing this in 10, even 5 years. I don't picture anything. I enjoy training people, I know I help people, and I am a good teacher and listener. I have developed some incredible relationships through this career. But I just don't know if really "does it" for me. I will always train. I will always be passionate about moving and using your physical body as much as you can, and even teaching it to some people.. but the actual jobs and business ideas in this industry seem so temporal.. for me.

Should I go back to school? Get my teaching certificate (sounds of mother cheering, off in the distance).. Work abroad as a teacher? Do I want to work with kids? Teens? Adults? Teach ESL? I do want to travel. Working abroad seems like a smart way to do this. Getting a teaching certificate would make working abroad easier. Seems like a smart thing to do. But- WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

It's time for some serious soul-searching.