Summit K-12

Friday May 29th:

I'm about to leave for Seattle for the weekend. The school I went to for 7th grade through senior year is being closed so there is a farewell reunion/celebration this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing all my old friends and teachers and being in the Summit building one last time. When I found out about this months ago I really wanted Ramman to come (I still do). I wanted him to see where I came from and meet some of the people who helped shape me into who I am now and who I am still becoming. As the weekend approached it seemed as though it would be somewhat difficult logistically for him to make it. The reunion starts today (Friday) in the afternoon with an alumni basketball tournament, and he has an obligation here in Portland until 6pm.. So he would already have missed the basketball games, which I am playing in, and we were unsure how he would get up here later. But I was going to figure out a way to make it happen so that we could spend a nice weekend together in Seattle. Just when I had figured out a plan, my mother decided to spaz out again and go on a rampage of sending messages about how awful Ramman is and how he is not right for me, etc etc.. (This has been happening off and on for about a year now.) So I made the decision to ask Ramman to stay in Portland so that I could make an attempt at connecting with my mom over the weekend and I knew she would unfortunately not be open to this if he was there (for whatever reason or lack thereof, because there actually is NO logic behind why she says she doesn't like him). So here I am about to leave, and I'm regretting making that decision for a few reasons. First, I want Ramman to be there. That in itself is reason enough. Second, I'm only encouraging her manipulative behavior by giving in to what she demands, which will only make future attempts at having them be around each other all the more difficult. And third, same as first, I should have just done what I wanted to do. I feel like I've gone against my philosophy about only doing what it is that I want to do and not being forced into doing something I don't.

All I am trying to do is make this better. It has been stressing me out for a year. The fact that my mom has decided that Ramman isn't the right man for me has made having a good relationship with her absolutely impossible. And she is not open to getting to know him. She has already cast her judgement and nothing can be done to change her mind, unless of course she decides to.

And in the midst of trying to make this better, I am making the wrong decisions and crying way too often.

Frustration.

Sunday May 31st:

I just got home from a very long and eventful weekend. And apparently I'm not home yet. I have not had one second to reflect on the last three days and their profound impact on me. And now that I am home, I am regretting even more that Ramman wasn't there. He knows that I have just gone through this amazing experience with old friends, my mother, Ann Reese (whom I will write more about later), and myself but he is not connected to it. Since he wasn't a part of it, he seems frustrated that I am not all the way home yet. I understand his frustration. But I still need time to decompress and reflect on all that has happened this weekend. I'm unable to put it all into sentences and paragraphs at this point....

Friday: basketball tournament, Mama came and had so much fun, seeing everyone for the first time in years- Dharma, Gabe, Adam, Yuuki, Jessica, Sita, Devin, Carley, Corey, Jared, Justin, Crystal, Carrie, my teachers, etc..

Friday Night: hanging out with Jasen, Adam, Jess, Dharma

Saturday: went to appointment with Ann Reese, cried, and had profound realizations of my strength and individuality.. Met up with Mindy, went to Glimpses, saw more old friends and two of my favorite teachers: Andy Bell and Cora Mackoff.. Watched Glimpses and cried with the slide show of pictures and quotes, saw Maya dance..

Saturday Night: went to Jalisco's with EVERYONE. Visited, hugged, laughed, reconnected.. Went with Gabe to see my dear Maren<3

Sunday: hung out with Mama, left to meet up with Rachel who I haven't seen since I moved to Portland.. drove home..... reflection.. gratitude.. looking forward..